Are you a scrappy, self-motivated chimp, ape, gorilla, baboon, orangutan or anything that falls within the spectrum of simian who wants to change the stale face of gold mining as we know it? I’m currently looking for future-oriented, entrepreneurial primates with hustle; the kind who can help me develop my core product — blasting gold from the ground like so many t-shirt cannons.
My stealth gold prospecting startup is the hottest startup in Shasta Valley! Not only because we’re hot, but also because it literally gets very hot here. I once knew a chimp whose brain essentially cooked in his own skull while scrubbing the sluices. By the time his gurgles reached me, it was too late. I dumped water on his head, but that only seemed to accelerate the boiling process. And then his brains slid out his ears and nose and into the water, and I was like, shit, sluices need to be re-cleaned, and I could seriously go for some cheesecake right now.
Wait, that was a dream. I did, however, once knew a chimp whose brain exploded in his own skull while scrubbing the sluices. But if memory serves, that has nothing to do with the heat. It’s more a chemical reaction their brains have in reaction to sluice metal.
Look, we’re re-imagining existing technology to create the next massive boom (literally!) in the $360b gold mining market. We’re innovating the user experience across several platforms (panning, sluicing, dredging, hard rock mining, byproduct gold mining, cyanide process and other super sexy gold extraction methods) to massively improve a) the product, b) the form factor, and c) the business model (i.e. b2i – business to investors!) Why are we useful? Please. Why aren’t we useful? My startup is creating a groundbreaking, revolutionary new service for people finally wish to get rich the quick way.
WHAT WE’RE BUILDING
Hardware is at the heart of my stealth gold prospecting startup. The vast majority of our operations are powered by our own custom-pilfered infrastructure, ranging from Pie Pan to Doko Dredge Stacks.
My stealth gold prospecting startup is essentially the first gold mining tool that people will actually use and see tangential (or is it tangible?) results. We locate a rich pay area, run some sampling, then bring in heavy duty materials to blast that shit out of the earth.
We’re accomplishing this with our CTO, my uncle, whose kidney seizes up whenever there’s gold within a 15 mile radius. He’s agreed to come with, so I’ll need to sneak him out of the ICU first. (Will also need funding for a mule who can carry him. Also, a truck with a horse trailer if the mule gets tired, so my uncle can drive him around.)
I see opportunity everywhere and I will know exactly where that opportunity is within a kidney-determined radius, once my candy striper outfit arrives from Amazon. There’s even an app in the works which lets our investors track just how much gold they’ll be getting in real time.
This is where other startups would say they’ve raised a successful seed round, and we’re not exception, except that this baby basically funds itself. Once we get that traction, it’s hockey stick growth all the way! No trough of sorrow, except for the worker-coined “Trough of Sorrow” where we bury victims of work accidents.
– You have a passion for disruptive products and loud noises, like blowing shit up or disturbing simians at other nearby gold prospecting startups.
– You love catching bugs. Not only catching bugs, but building out a scalable, A/B testing framework that ultimately produces better bug traps.
– You enjoy wearing many hats. (Construction hat, chef hat, medic hat, etc.)
– Research and evaluate cost-effective third-party software solutions to keep my uncle calm without copious amounts of Valium. For example, I hear Farmville is quite bland.
– Think critically about performance optimization, concurrency and security issues while running around with a massive fishing net and catching gold as it explodes out of the ground while trigger-happy gorillas stand around making sure you don’t run away with it.
– Love marketing? Me neither! It is also your job to outline immediate and long-term marketing plans when you retire to your makeshift tent at night.
– Work side by side with the founder (me!) as I sit in my air-conditioned tent with you fanning me (another hat you’ll enjoy).
– Dive into near-boiling waters to pull fish out of their natural habitats and throw them into a fish tank for relocation so they won’t get in the way of our operations. We are humanitarians first, pescatarians second. If a fish starts giving you lip for grabbing it in the middle of a school day, poke it directly in the eye. Left eye, not the right, since the left one has more cartilage and is slightly more impervious, which means all it will feel is blinding pain, but this is important: will not actually be blinded.
– Generous equity package in a fast growing startup (Generous referral bonus if you bring in another monkey! We give you their equity.*)
– Spend 20% of your time devoted to any side project of your choosing from a list of side projects we give you. Cooking, cleaning sluices, you name it.
– Become part of a vibrant, flourishing community, where every day, wizened prospectors and food cart luminaries drop by and provide up close mentorship. Also, our CTO likes to shout motivational quotes from Tony Robbins while he’s urinating, which is often.
– On-site fitness obstacle course. Avoid all the skull-crushing boulders you can handle!
– Competitive salary commensurate with skills and experience.
*My uncle also likes massages. Anyone who gives good massages gets more equity.
Still here? Drop us a line, we’d love to hear from you! Please send a brief introduction, resume and links to any relevant work to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Code monkeys will be turned away immediately. I can usually tell – worse haircuts, maybe? Also, your shirts have that “I found this in a box at a startup party” quality about them.
Note: I have no reason for choosing monkeys other than being inspired by Dr. Jane Goodall using them to work in her diamond mines on The Simpsons. Also, as you could probably tell from my last post, I enjoy anthropomorphizing animals.